Monday, August 29, 2011

Dear Recession, Go home!

I'm not exactly sure where “home” is for a recession. The 1930s? The Weimar Republic? It doesn't really matter as long as it's anywhere but here.

I don't know if anyone's told you this, but you're not really wanted here. Haven't you heard that saying? Fish and house guests stink after three days. Well, it's been way longer than three days, and you've more than worn out your welcome.

I mean, it might have *seemed* like we were inviting you with all of our out-of-control spending, our insanely inflated housing bubble, and our eternal optimism of perpetual growth. Truth is, your name definitely wasn't on the list for this soiree. And you know what that makes you? A party crasher.

And not the fun kind of party crasher who starts a late-night, drunken karaoke competition, professes his love for everyone at the table, and proceeds to pass out in the bushes. No, you're the kind that shows up, drinks all the free booze leaving everyone else sober, insults the party hostess by calling her a fat cow, and gets the cops called for disorderly behavior.

Speaking of etiquette, didn't anyone ever tell you that if you're going to crash a party, you should at least bring a present? And by present I don't mean pink slips, foreclosure notices, and plummeting 401k valuations. Those kind of presents are about as popular as a savings bond at a five year old's birthday party, but without the promise that “in twenty years this will be worth 50 dollars even though I only paid $25!”

I think it's clear we're all pretty sick and tired of your shenanigans. You can feel free to pack your belongings and get out of town. Or, actually, leave your belongings because I know someone who might need to sell them at a yard sale next week to make the mortgage payment.


How about you; what would you say?  Feel free to add your own p.s.


  1. Basically the recession is a bro :P

  2. There's not much to add since you've said it so well. So, I'll just recap it in a single sentence.

    Get the hell out now!

  3. PS: Don't make us converge upon you like a gang of zombies and hurt you very, very, VERY badly!

    *Applauds loudly* Well said, Mama; well said. If I could afford a glass of champagne, I'd be raising it to you right now and crying "hear, hear!"

  4. what to add it think... you brought up a nice post friend!

  5. p.s.
    end the fed now. it's our only way out of this.
    -Ron Paul

  6. If you can get Mr. Recession to the door (you just know he's a man) then I will help you shove him out!

  7. This.was.awesome!!!! You are too funny!

  8. PS. Moving to Europe doesn't sound too bad.

    Gosh love this post.

  9. I think there should be some rule. Like keep the recession away from our house by wearing garlic or it can't come in unless invited.
    Oh... that's vampires. Same thing, sucking the life force.

  10. I agree, then maybe some of us could get jobs.

  11. I also agree.. Go away and never come back!

  12. Amen, sister. And when it goes, if it could usher in a boom cycle, that would be even better.

  13. Ditto all of the above. Sadly, though, I think the recession is going to stick around for a while longer :(

  14. This was so well written, great job. Ugh I could not agree with you more!

  15. @Inverse: lol. Exactly...

    @Gigi: Yes!

    @Crystal: Love it! And

    @MonthofSummer: Thanks! Glad you liked it.

    @Timothy: That is starting to look more and more like the truth.

    @Cmom: He's a heavy one, so I appreciate the help. Lol!

    @Stephanie: Thanks!

    @Adriana: I'm with you for Europe!

    @Ruth: Umm...I'm pretty sure you're exactly right. If only garlic would work!

    @DWei: For real, right?! I cannot believe how tough the job market is right now.

    @Marina: I'm all for that.

    @Amber: That sounds even better!

    @Aleta: I think you're right, unfortunately. Although, after this stern letter from me, I don't see how the recession could not be over.

    @Beautiful: Thank you!