Monday, August 1, 2011

I'm having an affair...

...with sub sandwiches.

What were you expecting? Racy details of my secret trysts with the sexy mailman? Come on, if I was having that kind of affair, do you think I would post it on the world wide web for all to read? (For the record, my mailman isn't sexy. Actually, she isn't even a man.)

Back to the sandwiches. I think some people call them hoagies, but I'll stick with subs. Mouth-watering turkey, delicious Swiss cheese sliced fresh before you eyes. Mustard and mayonnaise mixed together into a savory concoction that's like crack on a bun. A perfect combination of crispy lettuce and spicy onion. Sometimes there's nothing better than a good sub.

True story: I am so in love with sub sandwiches that I almost named this blog “Olives and Pickles.” I decided against it because I worried I'd end up weighing 400 pounds as a result of craving a sub sandwich every time I sat down to blog.

My sub sandwiches and I were living in bliss until a few weeks ago. My husband came home and saw a drink cup from one of the local sub places on the counter.

“How many days a week do you eat sandwiches?” he asked innocently.

I got flustered and broke into a cold sweat. I could feel my cheeks and neck turning red. I swallowed a lump in my throat and took a deep breath. My heart was racing. “I don't know,” I finally managed to say. “Maybe like twice or something.”

Six or seven times a week would have been more like it. But some part of me didn't want to admit it. It's not that my husband even would have cared, but I was like some kind of addict, clinging to denial that I did not have a sandwich problem.

The next day, I went to the king of sandwich shops: Delitowne USA. (Note the extra “e” on towne, which makes it just that much classier.) It's deceiving, this sandwich shop. Its mascot is a dancing pickle in a tux, and the restaurant itself is located inside a gas station, but – I kid you not – this is THE place to get sandwiches. The kicker is the bread. They make the bread daily, and bake premium sandwich ingredients into the crust for an out-of-this-world sandwich experience. Jalapeno cheddar, three cheese pepperoncini, and – my favorite – Swiss onion. It's perfection.

I took the sandwich home and savored each bite. But when I was done, I got this nervous feeling. I didn't want my husband to come home, see the sandwich wrappers, and call me out on my “twice a week” answer. So I wrapped all the trash neatly into the sandwich paper and tossed it in the trash can outside.

As luck would have it, that would be the one day a month my husband decided to take out the trash without me nagging.

“How much do you think you spend each year on sandwiches?” he asked with a sneaky smile.

“What?!?” I said, “It's not that bad. I was in a hurry today and just had to grab something to eat while I was out.”

After that, it got worse. I'd crush up the trash, throw it away inside the house, and then cover it with dirty diapers just to make sure he wouldn't find it. I'd get cash back at the grocery store so I could have a sandwich fund that wouldn't show up on our debit statement. I'd scrub my hands and brush my teeth after lunch to make sure none of the delicious scent of sub sandwich lingered.

Finally, it got to be too much, and one night, I broke down. “I eat sandwiches pretty much every day,” I blurted out as we were watching The Bachelorette. “I'm sorry.”

“Yeah,” he said, “I know. Lucky for you, I'll probably never make you choose between me and sub sandwiches.”

Darn right because the only thing that might sway that ultimatum in his favor would be our wedding vows.

Kidding...I like him more than sub sandwiches. Most days.


  1. LOL! Seriously, this post made me laugh....if only because I make it a point to hit the local Jersey Mike's (have you had one? OMG!) at least once (okay....maybe three! But no more than that! I swear!) times a week.

    Hmmm, guess what I'm having for lunch tomorrow.....

  2. Everyone has their vice. As long as you're not breaking the bank or gaining a ton of weight and your husband is ok with the affair, no harm done!

  3. I'm so with you on this one. I could eat them every day myself. Luckily for me, none of the sub places I like (mostly Subway) have a drive-thru! If they did, I'd be eating them every day. Thankfully, most days I'm far too lazy to actually get out of my car. :(

  4. This is too funny! I have hidden a chocolate wrapper under a dirty diaper (I guess I could have used the excuse that I was pregnant) :) It is strange, but this time around during this pregnancy I've found myself really craving a good deli sandwich just like the one you have a picture of in this post. I too am a sandwich girl. Any kind. I love them!

  5. This is hilarious!!! You all make a cute couple. Very well written!!!

  6. Never run a sub shop. You'd probably eat all the profits.

  7. I know that addicts like you like to think you aren't hurting anyone but yourself, but think again missy. And they always think they're fooling everybody, that no one knows their terrible secret, but in the end their only fooling themselves. Seriously, though, as someone who has overcome real, serious addiction, I can tell you that things could be a lot worse. Also, you don't know the meaning of delicious until you've had a Russo Sub in West Palm Beach, FL.

  8. Nothing better than a good sandwich. I guess the eating kind is good too.

  9. Ha ha ha ha!!! Oh, dear - I think we need to get you into SA (Subaholics Anonymous) before things get any worse. You've gotten through the first step and admitted you have a problem, which is great, but it's time to be brave and take that next step.

    PS: I used to dislike subs for some reason (my dad and I both suspect I just didn't like the texture of the bread), but now? Let's just say I've seen the light. :-)

  10. I love a good sub sometimes that's all i need...

  11. Funny post, indeed. Very clever!...the writing and the hiding of the sandwich wrappers.

  12. Haha, that is an awesome post! I am like that with ice cream sundaes....I eat one every night!

  13. Ha! I got nothing just - ha! And, thanks for the laugh!

  14. OMG, too funny that you did that with the trash. Hehe.... Enjoyed the post!

  15. We have a big walk in pantry. I routinely go in there, close the door, and eat stuff while my husband and kids aren't looking.

    On a different topic, I don't know why my pants just won't fit anymore.

  16. Your addiction to subs affects me in the following ways...

    The worst was I insanely craved them when I was pregnant only deli meat was kind of a no-no and I was never sure if toasting was enough to kill the listeria? So I requested that a hoagie be waiting for me upon delivery.

    Then I had a c-section and couldn't eat for days.

    Best hoagie I ever had when I got that. I ate nothing but for like a week. Can't imagine why it took a year to get the baby weight off.

  17. @Gigi: No! I have never had one of those! But I really want to try one now.

    @Kelly: I like your reasoning!

    @ChiTown: I feel you! Luckily for me, there's a Subway just down the road from my house that DOES have a drive thru. It's amazing! I don't know why more sub places don't have them.

    @K: I do love a fellow sandwich lover! You're a girl after my own heart!

    @Clifford: Thank you! I like to think so!

    @Ruth: So true! But up until the minute I filed for bankruptcy, I would be the happiest person on earth.

    @Elliot: It sounds like I need to make a trip to FL. I wonder how my husband would feel about scheduling future family vacations around sub shop destinations?

    @Drake: You crack me up.

    @Crystal: Yes, I definitely need SA. And I'm so glad to hear that you came around!

    @Adriana: Glad you're a sandwich girl, too!

    @Stephanie: Thank you!

    @Daily: I do love a good ice cream sundae.

    @Mary: You're welcome :)

    @Aleta: Glad you enjoyed it!

    @Momnextdoor: Lol!! If we lived closer, I could see you and I doing that together at least once a week.

    @Stephanie: I have to admit that the best sub I ever had was right after delivery. I don't know how it got into my room, but whoever brought it was an angel. It was DELICIOUS!

  18. I'm having a sandwich affair too! My hips are hating me right now!

  19. @Amanda: I'm glad to have a partner in crime!

  20. You need to go to the Sandwich Factory (also in a gas station oddly enough)
    The Sandwich Factory
    500 South Meadows Parkway, Reno
    (775) 443-1212

    They also bake crazy good breads there and are stingy with the ingredients plus have a plethora of fresh baked goods right there and also offer fresh baked soups.

    Fuck. Now I know where I am going for lunch today.

  21. @Misguided: Oh man! The last thing I needed was another sandwich place. But you know I'm gonna try it!