Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Damn you, friends! Why do you always have to be right?

I haven't read a lot of blogs lately, but this morning, I had an urge to check in on a few of my favorites.  So, I figured I'd indulge myself in a couple of them to take a break from my first day back at work. (Thanks, by the way, for all the get-well-wishes.  My knee is doing much better, and I'm getting back into the swing of things.)

Anyway, I got to the blog of my fierce competitor in the final two of Blogger Idol (remember that?), Justin, who writes at Daddy Knows Less.  I was reading his post from today, and all of the sudden, I couldn't help myself.  My throat started to burn, my nose started to tingle, and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears.  Even though I had no idea when I woke up this morning, his message that getting too wrapped up in what's going on at any particular moment in life shouldn't stop us from appreciating the "little wonders" in life was exactly what I needed to hear.  And, even more so, I needed to hear that I am not alone.

The past six months have been hard on me.  I'm not looking for pity (trust me, I've wallowed in self-pity PLENTY recently). I won't give you all the gory details, but the gist of the story is that we we found out six months ago that we had to move. 

At the time I was finally feeling happy and content with my life after a turbulent couple of years with lots of big life changes.  I was getting the hang of mothering.  We were finishing the last project in what had been a grueling 18 months of renovations that turned our first house into my perfect home. (Seriously, one time, I was hunched over grouting tile for so many hours straight that I lost the feeling in three of my toes for the next four weeks).  I was surrounded by good friendships that had been a long time in the making.  I had my family nearby and loved that my son had such deep connections to them.

It was like a bomb blew my life apart when my husband told me he was almost certainly losing his job (stupid recession), and that he was going to have to take a job in another town (which, in Nevada, means hundreds of miles away).  Since then, it's been a whirlwind of figuring out how I'm going to put my life back together.  How I'm going to cope with leaving my beautiful home where my baby took his first steps, said his first words, and had his first Christmas.  How to deal with leaving behind a place that I'd envisioned the next twenty years of beautiful memories with the friends and family I love so dearly.

But I hadn't been honest with myself until now.  Yesterday, my mom offered to help me go grocery shopping.  I whined.  She pestered.  And finally I said, "I don't feel like going.  I'm depressed, and I just want to sit around and do nothing."

Wow.  Depressed.  It was the first time I'd actually said it out loud.  I guess the crying, the general not- wanting-to-do-anything, and the "funk" I'd been feeling for a long time should have tipped me off sooner.

But, this morning, reading Justin's post, I realized that being depressed is the reason I stopped blogging.  I wanted to cut myself off.  I didn't want the help and the support of the friends that I've developed in this community.  I didn't want to read their posts reminding me that my problems are actually relatively minor in the grand scheme of things.  And even if they aren't, I don't have to face them alone.   I didn't want to hear what they had to say because, darn it, you guys are always right.

I know this ordeal is far from over.  My house has been on the market for six months with no good news yet (did I mention how stupid the recession is?).  There's mountains of empty moving boxes in my garage.  There's saying goodbye (or see you later) to friends and family.  And, more urgently at this moment, there's figuring out how to make myself look like I haven't been crying if someone stops by my cubicle.

But I feel a little bit more ready to start to tackle it all.  To be a better wife and to be the mother that my son deserves.  To stop shutting people out.

So, if you want to watch the video that brought me to tears this morning, this is it.  But better yet, just go read Justin's post because he said it all way better than I could.  And Justin, thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.

19 comments:

  1. Who knew Justin had that kind of effect on people? It's important to know that there are a ton of people out there with problems and there are also that many more people willing to listen and help.

    Maybe we need to revisit this whole Blogger Idol thing?

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    1. I've been making women cry since puberty.

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  2. Sorry to hear you've had such a hard time Lisa, hope things are finally on the mend now!

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  3. Let me just say (my idiotic comment above aside) that I'm sorry you and your family have been going through so much crap. I don't think you can blame yourself for feeling the way you've felt. But I am so honored, humbled, and glad that my little post about a song and its impact made such an impact on you.

    Sometimes we blog to get our problems out there and seek advice or know we're not alone. Sometimes we keep it in. That's fine too. It took me 4 years to write about this 'hardship' of mine.

    So you've got time to figure things out. Until then, sending virtual hugs and support. Anytime. -DKL

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  4. This song always makes me cry. It really is defined in the small moments.

    I'm so sorry you're having a tough time, and as a mother who had to move her 6 month old son 1200 miles away, albeit willingly, from his "birth home, never fear. Their home will always be where you are.

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  5. First and foremost, I'm sending you LOADS of hugs. Because I know first hand about this stupid "recession". And I feel your pain, because I'm feeling it too.

    Now, that's out of the way.....Damn you! You are right! I've been doing the same thing with blogging and with real-life friends. And although, I'm not ready to immerse myself with the real-life folks (mainly, because some of them I'm having to re-evaluate after this stupid recession hit, i.e., are they "real" friends?) I'm thinking I may have to hit "publish" on that never-to-be-published anguish-filled post I've written just to try to alleviate some of my stress.

    When you are depressed, it's hard to remember that there are people out there willing to help, to hug and to listen. Many hugs and I hope everything works out for the best.

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  6. You can run but believe me you can't hide. ;)
    Stay strong friend. Life is tough, complicated,intense, raw and unfair but it's worth it. If we couldn't feel all those things how would we be able to tell the difference between sour, sweet and bittersweet. so glad to see you.

    let the pen be your sword.

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  7. I love that song, but I am sorry life has been so hard for you. Depression is hard, but certainly treatable. If you need somebody to talk to about that, let me know. Hugs!

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  8. Lisa, I'm sorry for the difficult times you're experiencing. That's the nasty thing about depression; you usually don't notice it. It's got a sort of self-cloaking mechanism and a will of its own to survive.

    I love how one thing led to another, which led to a blog post that led to a blog post that led to a blog post... These crazy interwebz.

    Be well, Lisa. You'll get through this and find breathing room again.

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  9. Many (((((hugs)))) to you.
    I myself have suffered deep depression, I know how you feel. It's one of those things that just 'neaks up on you and whops you along side the head before you even know it. The bestest thing is that you now realize it. Once you realize what is going on it's easier to handle. You'll be fine. Your family will be fine. I'm sorry you have to move I know what a pain that is. Remember though, as long as you and your husband and your son are together you are family... you are the heart of "home is where the heart is."

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  10. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. We moved when Vicki was 4 months old and although it was only 90 minutes away and I WANTED to move, it was still hard to be farther from my parents and to leave the house I brought my first baby home to. I bawled when I went into her empty nursery as we were packed up and ready to go. Now we're planning/hoping to move again in the next year and I'll have to leave another house I brought another baby home to and although we're gonna need a bigger house, the thought already makes me sad.

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  11. I'm so sorry about the difficult times you're having. I know quite a few people suffering from depression. If you haven't already done so, it may help to talk to your doctor about it.

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  12. Ugh, I'm sorry to hear all of this... Things will get better and you will get past this. The best part is that you will get to be with your family, and you will have each other. Wherever you live is your home, even if it's not the perfect one. :) hugs.

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